Thinking back over my life, I’ve always been an overly emotional person, and it’s really something I do pride myself in. I feel a lot more, so I give a lot more, but always giving and giving, goes hand in hand with hurt and disappointment in some ways.
Now, I’m sure that a lot of other people have their own hard stories, that probably don’t relate at all to mine, but I want to share my story so others can know that even the littlest things can eat you up and change who you are. In saying that though, I lost my sister to homicide when I was 14, something that I will never share as a whole story on my blog – it is personal, it is always hurtful, and with that in mind, myself and my family owe ourselves the privacy that we didn’t get at that time.
My point though however, is that it does shape somewhat who I have become, but it did not create the troubles I have had in the last few years with my depression and anxiety (just a FYI).
My childhood was a great one, I have two amazing parents that raised me to be a strong, selfless person. My teenage years (as stated above), were another story – full of grief, and feeling misunderstood. Since those years, I slowly picked myself up, I looked after myself, and I got the counselling I needed. Fullstop.
Flash forward a few years to 22, I had lived out of home, and back into home a few times, but I had tried a few different avenues to childcare, by then. I was 82kg, but a healthy 82kg – and I wanna make one thing clear, I am heavier than I look (and it really bugs me!!)
Mister B and I found each other, we fell in love (how sappy) and with all that love comes happiness and well, food. Years later and 6kg later, a baby became part of our future. A little bundle of joy that would change our lives forever, and he sure has in so many ways. But pregnancy was exhausting for me, as it is for any woman (unless you’re a lucky one), and with management problems at work and trying to continue my work performance, I started to really struggle with my energy, my emotions and the added pressure of the due date. Once Mister C was born, I had put on 16kg at a total of 106kg. At that time I didn’t care, “it’s what happens with pregnancy“, “breastfeeding will take it off quick”, and somewhat it did. I got back down to 96kg in 4 months before having to go back to work, starting to feel pretty good again, but still not really knowing what the hell I was doing, swallowed in motherhood!
Now, I worked in childcare, so looking after everyone else’s kids, and not mine, was never my idea of motherhood. I wanted to be a SAHM, but we couldn’t afford it at the time. Within a few months, I was failing at either motherhood, work, or my relationship, and trying to juggle all was taking its toll. Add on workplace bullying to the point where I was emotionally crushed, no self-esteem, ate whatever food I could get my hands on, I had lack of sleep from baby C, and began having panic attacks in the car park dreading to put one foot inside the workplace — I felt I was losing my mind. I couldn’t function. I was lucky if I made it through 5 minutes of the day without having a tight chest, sweating my ass off, or crying in the bathroom. It was humiliating for me, to be so driven by emotions.
It reached a point where one day, Mister B and I were driving back from a life seminar, which had rocked me, and I couldn’t hold any of the ‘crap’ in anymore. I let it all go.. I was a blubbering mess, B had to pull over the car until I calmed down, and talked it out. The poor guy, I swear I scared him that night, but it was what I needed and he needed – no more bullshit, no more hiding.
Mister B and I decided enough was enough, no matter the struggle, it was better for all of us if I was at home. I breathed a sigh of relief, but I had put on an extra 20kg within 8 months and now my health was struggling too.
Within 6 months of being at home, I was diagnosed with PCOS, Prediabetes, and had severe depression and anxiety, which in hand with my weight, created hyperhidrosis, which brought on further anxiety. I was stuck in the cycle.
I had dreamt my entire life to be a stay at home mum, but once I got there, I felt like something was missing. I felt that my “success”, my ” life’s goal”, was complete, and I didn’t know what happened after that point.
I’m only 25… what will I do for the rest of my life besides be a mother?
At this point, I was deep in depression and anxiety, wallowing and alone in my own thoughts, trying my hardest to push through the day and support my son’s needs while trying to figure out my own and what was wrong inside my head. I was numb, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I felt like my emotions and pain were up at my neck scratching at my throat, and haunting me as soon as I opened my eyes. I felt like a burden to others, to my family, to myself. Mister B was away with work so to reach out would only cause more pain, when he was struggling enough being away from us.
Where I was, crying hard on the bathroom floor while C was having a bath, not knowing what to do or who to turn to, or how to end the pain, it was the turning point. I was at the bottom, and there was only two ways out. TWO, and one was final.
I was strong enough to know the right answer, not just for my son, my family.. but for me.
That moment and state of depression, is a big leap from where I am today, two years later, after creating much needed will power, and still trying to every single day.
But nobody really knew that I was in that grey area. I suffered in silence, like a lot of people do. To anybody, that photo of me up top could be a happy, sad, lonely, social.. full of life or full of shit person. You can never tell what is inside somebody’s mind, how they really feel. Today it isn’t something to share, when it should be.
Depression is an all-consuming mental AND physical disease that can take over and take out somebody’s world.
One of the reasons why I’ve created this blog. To create awareness, to share my story, to share my journey through the struggles, and to hope that I can give another person courage to stand up, take a big deep breath and put one foot forward. I now know that I had a touch of postnatal depression, heightened into severe depression and anxiety from my experiences going back to work. I’ve lost a lot of friends, and respect from other people, since being completely honest and reaching out for help.
Unfortunately, that is the world we live in these days.
Thank you for reading my story, I know it was long and melancholy, but this is what life is about. These are raw real situations. It’s been a rollercoaster of a life so far. But I am who I am because of all the things I have been through, and continue to every day. My amazing little family is what gets me through the hard times, and my close friends, who take me as I am.
Continue following my blog to learn more about what changes I’ve made to get where I am right now, and what changes I am continuing to create, to better my health and happiness each day!
We should never feel alone in the struggle of depression and anxiety, and if you have no one to lean onto, please lean out to me.. I will listen and I will help. I am always reachable through my FB page -> you can find this in the top bar under Contact Me.
If you, or somebody you know, is dealing with severe depression, and is having suicidal thoughts or actions, PLEASE contact your local depression support hotline and ask for help. No matter how little or how big you feel the situation is, somebody is always there to listen and hold your hand. ALWAYS.
For Australian residents, you can call the Mindspot Clinic at 1800 61 44 34, or go onto their website mindspot.org.au for free online consultations with a therapist.
For immediate help, call 000, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
A quick note – this is a sensitive subject for many, and I am still moving along with my story. Every person’s experience is different, and nobody but me has been in my shoes.
Any rude or disrespectful comments will be deleted, with no response so think before you type. Thank you..